Jonah and Me

Today after reading Jonah, I found that I really identify with him on so many levels, with of course the exception of being swallowed whole by a fish! I see myself in Jonah, especially in the rebellion part, unfortunately. It's kind of humorous to read about Jonah fleeing from the presence of the Lord. I say this because, really, how can anyone flee from God? Where can one go to get away from God? And yet, like Jonah, so many of us are trying to do that in some area of our lives. Silly people, we are!

What really caught my attention was the part in Jonah 1:3. Jonah decides that instead of doing what God has told him to do, he is going to Tarshish, so he goes to Joppa to find transportation. I can imagine Jonah packing and as he is traveling to Joppa, apparently uninhibited by the Lord, that he has a sense of relief. I can hear him saying to himself, "God doesn't want me to go to Ninevah, if He did, He would have stopped me by now!" Maybe, even once he secured passage on that ship, he became even bolder in his plan. Now, thinking, that because he has transportation to Tarshish, he is going to get away with his willfulness.

I wonder if Jonah had convinced himself that because he wasn't being stopped, that he was actually doing the right thing? He may have believed that God had changed His mind about sending Jonah to Ninevah. Maybe he thought because he was "successful" that he was doing what he was supposed to do, that God had opened up another opportunity for him instead of the original plan?

I know in my own life, I have had these very same thoughts at times. I find myself very adept in convincing myself that I am doing the right thing, or that I have been given a great opportunity just because God doesn't stop me. I have also found that this is not always the case.

It seems that there are sometimes that God give me just enough rope to hang myself. Then, when it feels like the world is crashing down around me, God is there, ready to hear me and redirect me. For that, I am truly thankful.

Every time that happens, in retrospect, I recognize that I should have laid down my own will and embraced the will of God for my life. Then I wouldn't have had to be thrown overboard, like Jonah, into the sea of emotional turmoil that usually follows my willfulness. Then, I wouldn't have to be humbled and suffer as I wait to be vomited back onto the right course in my life. Amazingly simple, and yet so very hard.

One Woman's Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,
I read 2 Timothy 3:6-7, and I became fearful. I worry that I am one of those weak minded women who learn, but never come to the knowledge of truth because of my sins! Oh Lord, please do not let this be my fate! Fill me with your precious Holy Spirit, that I may know the Truth intimately! Lord God, please do not let my previous sins guilt me down until I am blind and deaf to Your Word. Please always let me hear, see and know Your Truth so I will not be lead away. God, have mercy on me! God, be true to me and save me from my enemies. Do not let me fall into the hands of the devil or his workers. Protect me! Save me! Forgive me! Cleanse me!

Jesus please empty my heart of all the clutter of uncleanliness. Please free me from the disgusting conditions of my heart. Please live there and reign in my heart. My dear Jesus, You are my Lord and my Savior. You have delivered me from my sins. I pray that You will be faithful to me, and deliver me from my temptations, addictions, and pain. Jesus, I am a mess inside, but I believe You can heal me. I am sorry you are coming into my heart and it is in such disrepair. I haven't taken care of it. I have built up such trash in there. It weighs me down. It depresses me.

Jesus, please help me not to be a weak minded woman who never understands the truth. Fan the flames of my faith, that it may become a roaring fire, so that I will burn with devotion to You, and You alone. Give me your strength to stand up for You, even in the face of rejection. I want to be Your disciple, faithful until the end. I long to be in Your family and be loyal to You as I am with my earthly family. I desire our bond to be that intense that I will not loose sight of You or my relationship with You.

Thank You for being ever faithful to me, dear Father, and loving me with a love I cannot fathom. You have taken care of me and provided for me in ways I am not even aware. When I am blind, You are leading me. Thank You for Your kindnesses and mercy. Thank You for withholding from me what I do deserve, and blessing me with those things I do not. I can trust You.

In the Name of Jesus Christ,
My Lord and Savior,
I pray,
Amen

My Psalm of What

I Thessalonians 5:23-24: "Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass."

Dear Heavenly Father,

What is it that You are bringing about in my life? I do not know. And how many times have I thwarted Your desires for my life because of my sin? How many blessings have I denied myself because of my willfulness? What would my life look like if I didn't have this albatross hanging around my neck?

What is sad is that I will never know as long as I am on this earth. Maybe You will show me what Your plans for my life were had I not taken these detours. Maybe that is what a part of Judgement will be, that is, seeing all the blessings that might have been had I not bee so foolish. How could I not grieve my sins in light of seeing what Your perfect plan was for my life?

What I wonder is, in the end, will the outcome of my life still be the same? That despite my sin, despite the detours I have made, will I end up right where You have wanted me all along? Or, because I have stepped off the path You had for me, will my life story end differently than what You intended for me? Are there various options for the outcome of my life, all that will fit into Your plan for me despite my ignorance?

What I find is that You, O Lord, my God, are so amazing because You know the answers to these questions. I praise You for Your Almighty wisdom. I am humbled as I contemplate all these things. I long to know Your will for my life, and I pray for Your strength and wisdom. Lord God, I am grateful for Your promises, and that You will do as You say. I cling to You, Your grace, Your mercy, and ask You to forgive me. Forgive me for my willfulness and my pride. Forgive me for walking off-course in my foolishness. Have mercy on me, and lead me, be my Shepherd, because I am weak and do not know what is best for me.

In the Name of Jesus Christ,
My Lord and Savior, I pray,
Amen

My Angry, Old-Self Boot Problem

Today I found myself in Colossians. Again, I found myself struggling with what I read. On one hand, this struggling thing drives me crazy, but on the other hand, I am thankful because it shows me that my heart is not so hard that I don't care.

Colossians 3 is about "Putting on the New-Self". In verses 5-9 it outlines what the old-self entails, and that as believers we should consider ourselves dead to those beliefs and behaviors. I found myself cringing as I reflected on myself in response to the list of old self attributes.

For example, in verse 5, Paul cites "greed". Now I would like to consider myself not particularly greedy, however, I immediately felt guilty of this because of my penchant for boots. Yes, you read correctly, I have a problem when it comes to boots. I see them, I want them, and then I feel an uncontrollable need to have them. Forget that I already have 10 pair nestled lovingly in my closet! So, when I saw greed in that list of things I am to be dead to, my heart screamed, "Oh no! Not the boots too!"

And then, in verse 8, Paul talks about putting aside anger among other things. Uh oh...anger? That's going to be a problem. Sometimes I get so angry I could spit!! For me, anger is a safe emotion. It's so much easier to manage than fear, hurt, anxiety, or disappointment. Without anger, I am going to have to face those other messier emotions!

As I read further, Paul talks about "Putting on the new-self". Doesn't that sound easy? Kind of like taking off an old, ratty coat and putting on a brand new one. For me, it just doesn't seem that simple. Trust me, I want it to be. Verses 12-14 talks about all the wonderful accessories that come with that new coat, I mean new-self! Things like compassion, humility, and patience to name a few. Who wouldn't want those? So what is the glitch?

When it comes right now to it, I find that one of my biggest hurdles to that new- self is a lack of self-control. Really, I can control my greed for boots by controlling the impulse to buy them. I can control my anger by making myself view things differently, maybe even more realistically. I can put on my new-self by controlling and ultimately killing my old-self impulses. Not easy, but it can be done!

What I learned today, and have been learning over the last couple of months is that on a very personal level, I need to increase my self-control with the help of God. Fortunately for me, God desires to help me. In 2 Peter 2:9a, it states quite plainly that the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from temptation. In addition, even Jesus, when He was teaching His disciples to pray, shows us that we should pray to be lead away from temptation and to be delivered from evil (Matthew 6:13).

So, with God on my side, I pray that I will be able to resist the new fall fashion line of boots and not get angry as I walk away from them with my new sense of self-control, thus, bringing me one step closer to putting on my new-self in my perfectly fine, old boots.

God's Provision

I don't know about you, but this economy crisis really scares me. I find myself worrying more about money than ever. In response to that, I am trying to find ways to cut expenses, and have even started looking for a part-time job.

This economic crisis seems to be affecting everything, and as I look around, even in my own neighborhood, I can see the devastating affects of it. About a month ago, a little car dealership that has been in business for what seems like forever, closed. Down the street, the coffee shop that became a community hub also closed. The owner left a wonderful note in the shop window thanking all her loyal customers for a wonderful 3 years, and it made me sad.

Today, when I started my quiet time with God, I lifted up my fears to Him. I let Him know that I am scared. I let Him know that this year is going to be hard because I don't know what is happening with my salary and my benefits at my job. I told Him about all the sad things that are happening around me and in the world because of the crisis. Not surprisingly, He heard me, like He always hears, and today, the passage I read was right on the money (no pun intended!)

In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul talks about how he has learned to be content in whatever circumstances he finds himself in. When I read that, I thought to myself, what a blessing to feel content no matter what is going on in life!!! I have to learn that too! Of course my next thought was, how?

In verse 12, Paul gives you a clue that in verse 13, he is going to tell you his "secret". Of course I want to know the secret! So I read on. And then, there it was, verse 13: "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Okay, that wasn't the secret I was expecting. I was hoping for something more direct to tell me what to do to feel content! I am not trying to minimize what Paul says, and there is much wisdom in verse 13. I guess I was looking for some sort of magic potion or something, but that's not the way it works, is it?

The bottom line is that whatever our circumstances, we can be assured that God will give us the strength to bear it. In that strength, we can manage the places we find ourselves in. I suppose it is that strength, that self-control, that helps us find resolution and contentment in the situations we find ourselves in. We can choose God's strength and provision even if it's not what we envisioned, and be thankful. Not easy, but if we accept that we are where we are, that God has allowed it, and that He will give us what we need to manage, then we can rest assured that we are right where we need to be.

More Faith, Please

In Philippians 3, Paul talks about his whole-hearted commitment to Christ. I am amazed at the strength of his words as he describes the value he has regarding his relationship with Christ. The depth of his faith and the devotion he has to the Gospel is phenomenal, and his undying submission to all that encompasses is beyond impressive.

Paul talks about loosing everything that he used to value in order to appreciate the unmeasured value of Christ Jesus. He recognizes that what he has gained through the change in his focus is righteousness, an unbreakable connection to Christ, and ultimately eternal life. He proclaims that the suffering and hard work that he goes through is worth it because it only draws him closer to his goal, that is to be with Christ in glory.

When I read these words I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I get excited to hear the promises of Christ as Paul explains them. To be so absorbed in my faith that I do not worry about the things in this life sounds wonderful. I long to have his passion for Christ and to believe so thoroughly that Christ is the center of everything in my life.

On the other hand, I struggle with what Paul says in this passage because I am not at that level. I worry about all sorts of things, like, money, my family, my friends, the weather, and my job to name a few. So many times, those things overshadow my connection to Christ. It's like as my anxieties increase, my faith decreases!

I don't know how to get this level of faith. How does one believe so completely that all other things are second to one's faith? I don't really have an answer to that question other than the standard answers: pray, read my Bible, go to church, etc.

What this passage does do is makes me ponder where my faith falls within my priorities. In addition it makes me long for that level of commitment. So, although I don't have a direct answer as to how to strengthen my faith per se, I think I will praise God for provoking me to desire a stronger, more complete faith.

I will add that a little further into the book of Philippians I found hope and comfort to this dilemma. In Phillippians 4:6, the Bible does give some direction. I am told to "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God." I think I will go with that, and ask God to increase my faith. How about you?

Keep in Mind

Nowadays, there is so much going on in the world that is troubling for me and I suppose many others. We are watching our government try to micro-manage the country and ultimately the citizens of the United States. We see the oppression of Christians through reverse discrimination as we see every other religion and public venue being allowed to tout their opinions, but Christians are not. We are watching prayer be removed from public society little by little. The very values our nation was built on are now being ruled out by the bills we witness Congress passing. Our educational system is bottoming out, no matter how much money the government throws at it. The divorce rate is at it's highest ever, and the traditional family no longer exists. Children aren't being raised by their parents, but are being raised by the schools they attend. Babies are being killed because of irresponsible individuals who sacrifice them on the altar of selfishness. War seems to be on the horizon. Every day we hear about another country that is angry and is ready to take action to incite some kind of confrontation. We see so much violence, pain, suffering, and fear in the world today. All you have to do is turn on the news to know all of this.

And in response to all that makes us angry and disillusioned, we find ourselves pointing fingers at somebody, anybody. Sometimes it's individuals, or political groups, or at the world's leaders, or as a last resort, the wealthy. It is so easy to find a scapegoat and complain that he/she/they is/are the reason for all the woes in a specific domain. It is so easy to direct our accusations at them because of what we observe them doing and what we speculate they are scheming. Take, for example, Obama. We see Obama making all these decisions that seem in direct opposition to what the majority wants, and it is easy to say, "He's an idiot!", "He's ruining the United States!", or "He's trying to make us a communist country!" In many cases, these may be true accusations. However, today, I encourage you to see him and others like him as just mere pawns in a huge conspiracy that is taking place and has been for centuries.

In Ephesians 6:12, Paul encourages the Ephesians to remember that we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against the evil forces of darkness. Like the Ephesians, we have to keep in mind that the world is a stage for the powers of good and evil. That is, God vs. Satan. God is on a mission to save us, and Satan is on a mission to destroy us. Just as God uses people to spread the gospel, Satan also uses people to destroy.

The reason I am highlighting this fact is that if we are to fight back, our number one strategy must be prayer. We have to remember that there are supernatural forces at work, and that supernatural weapons are needed to do battle. We need to recognize that the people that are being used in this war are just the surface of the problem. If we want to treat the corruption, we must fight the source of the problem and not just the observable issues that come from that source.

It would be like looking at a piece of fruit that has a rotten spot, and only treating that spot even though the rot has been caused by a worm inside the fruit. We can cut out the rotten spot, but as long as the worm has free reign in the fruit, the fruit will still eventually spoil. Our efforts, although good intentioned, will be fruitless. We have to destroy the worm if we are going to salvage what we want, that is, the fruit.

So, what I am advocating here today, is that while you may write your politicians, hold gatherings to get people more aware of today's issues, write the newspaper, and send chain e-mails about the ills of the world, remember that your first line of defense HAS to be prayer if we are going to be truly effective in our cause.

Submission to one another

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been a little crazy in my life, and that coupled with not being lead by the Spirit, it can be difficult to write.

However, today, I was reading Ephesians. The verse that caught my attention was in Ephesians 5:21. It reads, "and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." I know you may not know me personally, but trust me, if you did, you would know this is a difficult idea for me to digest. I come from a family that is used to being heard and acknowledged, and the thought of me being subject to anyone if hard for me to swallow. I like to be in control. I like to make my own decisions. I don't like being impacted by the decisions made by others. I don't want to have to worry about how my choices impact others. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't care what others have to say or think. It's just that I would prefer if they would see things my way!!

As I got to thinking what this verse really means, it really has a lot of implications. The idea of subjection to others can be applied to any kind of relationship we have with others. Our spouses, our family, our friends, our coworkers, our bosses...you name it, we can apply this principle. I don't think it means letting others walk all over you, but I do believe that it means living in harmony as much as possible with others in your life.

If you go back a couple of verses, in verse 18, Paul talks about being in the Spirit. I believe that this is the foundation for what we are asked to do in verse 21. We must rely on the Spirit in order to live in harmony with others, because our basic nature is selfish. The Spirit allows us to be aware of the needs of others, thus allowing us to take that into consideration when we are making decisions or developing opinions about certain things or situations.

Think about it. If two people in a relationship are both being submissive to one another, then they are both thinking about the other before themselves. If both parties are thinking of the other, then the needs of both are more easily met. I believe that when we are in relationships where we feel the other thinks of our needs as their own, we feel more secure, as do they. We don't have to worry about being taken advantage of. We don't have to worry about the other person neglecting us. And because both parties have the Spirit, then the values are the same, and there is less room for dissent because both people in the relationship respect the same ideals.

I think that was one of the reasons that Paul talks about not being unequally yoked in relationships in 2 Corinthians 6:14. If we are linked together with an unbeliever, how can we expect this principle of subjection to work properly? If one person is submissive, but the other isn't, how can either feel secure in the relationship? The one knows the other isn't thinking of his/her best interest, and the other assumes the same of the believer. It causes a great sense of distrust between the two. As a result, communication breaks down, and the relationship suffers.

But what to do when we are in a relationship with an unbeliever? For instance, many of us work for unbelievers. In those circumstances, we should still follow the same principle, but rely heavily on the Spirit for direction. We are still held accountable to live in harmony with them to the best of our ability. We also have the assurance of our Father that despite the schemes of those that do not believe, that we will over come the world through our faith (if we are born of God (I John 1:4).

Sometimes it is hard to see that, because we see unbelievers prosper and take advantage of others. However, remember that ultimately, our reward is in heaven, and although we may not be rich here on earth, we are rich beyond measure if we have Christ as our Savior. It really comes down to what you focus your heart upon (Matthew 6:21).

The Perfect Gift

Today, I don't have a Bible verse or passage to write about. Today, I am just talking from the heart. I am just so blessed today, and it got me thinking.

Today is my Dad's birthday. For his birthday, me and two of my siblings gave him a ceiling fan. I was really excited to get it for him because he is hard to buy gifts for. But I knew this was a gift that he would want, that he will use, and that he would appreciate. That made me so happy! It is so wonderful to give someone a gift that you know they want, and that it's going to make them happy!!! There is no better feeling than the anticipation of having that special someone open a gift that is just perfect for them.

This got me thinking. It makes me wonder if God feels that way about the Gift He has given us. When He sent His Son, did He feel joy because He knew He gave us a gift that we so desperately need, that is so perfect? I think He did, even though it was a huge sacrifice for Him to do so. And when someone is coming to a point in his/her life where he/she is going to accept Christ as his/her Savior, does God get all excited, just like I did when my Dad opened his gift today? I am sure God does, and not only God, but all the heavenly hosts as well!

And when God sees His children living a life that pleases Him because of His Wonderful Gift, I believe He is overjoyed. He is elated because He knows that He gave us a new life in His Son. And His happiness must surpass anything we can imagine. It's a happiness that is a million times stronger than mine was when I gave that fan to my Dad. It has to be, because God is fathomless!

So, the next time you get excited to give that perfect gift to someone, because you just know it is exactly the right thing, remember that God gave you the Perfect Gift. He knows it is exactly what you need now and forever.

No doubt...

Yesterday, I was reading I John. The letter is supposed to be an encouragement to Christians about how they are solid in their faith in the face of false teachings, and how they have the assurance of being children of God. In reading this book, I have to confess, instead of encouraging me, it made me doubt myself and my faith a tad. Okay, it was more than just a tad. It disturbed me enough that I could not write yesterday. It made me question if I have the earmarks of being a true believer, which was very disconcerting to me because I want to be at true believer.

In I John, John lays out different ways that we can know and be assured that we are children of God. According to him, true believers stay in the Light, and do not walk in darkness. In addition, God's children do not love this world and the beliefs of this world. John goes on to talk about abiding in God, so that we can have confidence in our salvation and not be shamed at Christ's second coming. The one that smacked me the hardest is when John talks about how we are to be doers of the Word and not only hearers. John highlights this principle as being what will assure our heart before God that we are His. And lastly, John talks about how God's children have the Holy Spirit, and that in the giving of that Spirit, we can know that we abide in God and He in us.

So, why did this distress me so much? Mainly because I doubt myself and sometimes doubt God's love for me. I look at all the things that should be in my life to assure me of my faith, and sometimes I question whether those things are really present in my life. Do I shy away from the darkness? Am I a doer of the Word? Do I really feel the Spirit's presence in my life? Although I know that God recognizes I cannot be perfect in my present state, shouldn't I have more evidence of my relationship with God in my life? When I get like this and start doubting, my head starts to hurt, and I become fearful. I know I can't earn God's salvation, but I worry when I don't think I see the earmarks of faith in my life!

Today, I prayed and prayed for help, and because God is good, He gave it to me in the midst my struggles. He brought 3 verses in the Bible to my attention to calm my soul. The first verse is actually in I John 1:20. In this verse, John says that sometimes our heart condemns us because we are overly-sensitive, but that God is greater than our heart and knows where our hearts really are. That really comforted me because when I doubt, God doesn't. God knows me and knows where I am in my walk with Him. He knows where I need to be in my life, and He will lead me where I need to go. I just need to stop over-analyzing, and rely on God.

The second verse that God brought to my attention is in Jude 1:24. Jude proclaims that God is the One who can keep us from stumbling and make us stand in God's presence blameless and with great joy. Wow! Again, my soul is comforted to know that the Almighty cares enough to help me when I am stumbling around in my doubt. He doesn't want me to wander around in fear. He will take care of me, and will lead me in a way that will keep me from loosing my way. Thank you God!!

The last verse is one of my favorites. It is in Romans 8:26-27. It is the passage that speaks of the Holy Spirit's intercession for us when we are weak. It actually states that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. With that kind of support, I can be assured that even when I am confused and in despair, that the Holy Spirit is speaking on my behalf to get me the things I need to lift me up out of my doubt. Truly amazing!

I praise God for answering my prayers and calming my worried heart! It really does show me that prayer and time spent in God's Word is really important. Yes, it made me question things, but it also answers those questions. Some might say that isn't worth it...if reading the Bible makes you question things, only to give you the answers, isn't it better to not read it at all and bypass that process? I say ABSOLUTELY NOT! Because through that process, my faith is increased. Hallelujah!

Real Change

The very thing I read today is something I am struggling with right now in my life. When I first started reading In 2 Peter, it caused me a lot of anxiety, at least until I explored it further. In 2 Peter 2:19b-22, Peter is admonishing those who had proclaimed Christ as their Savior, yet they were swayed back into their old ways. After reading this and looking at my own life, it made me fearful because how many times have I reverted back to my old life?

Peter talks about those who have turned away from the path of righteousness after knowing what that path is all about. He goes on to say how it would be better for them had they never known about The Way in the first place. This made me question: does this include when I slip up but return to God? Or are the people portrayed in this passage those who slipped and will never return back to God? Is it that they never really had a change of heart through the grace and mercy of God? Is it that I have never had a change in my heart?

I believe this passage is talking about those who never experienced a true change in their hearts through the work done on the Cross. God knows that believers will mess up. That is why He sent Jesus to die for us in our place. He knows we can't be perfect. In I John 1:9, it says that if we confess our sins, He (God) is faithful and righteous to forgive us and to cleanse us. So, I believe that the passage in 2 Peter is talking about those who truly don't have a repentant heart, and never really did. Even after seeing the Truth, they were easily lead astray by the false teachings of those opposed to the it.

Peter describes these people as though they are dogs returning to their vomit or sows who after being washed, returns to wallowing in the mud. Peter is saying that those who return to being enslaved to their sins are like animals. Animals can't really change what they are. They have instincts that can never be totally removed from their beings. You can train an animal, but left on it's own, even after training, it will revert to it's instinctual behaviors. That is because the training doesn't really change an animal, just like hearing the Truth didn't really change the people that Peter is talking about in this passage.

Recently I have been going though some tough stuff. It has been hard facing some of my life choices and recognizing the impact they are having on my in my life. I have "noticed" them before, but have conveniently ignored them and denied they were there. I wasn't ready to acknowledge them and do something about it. In the last several days, God allowed me to be in a position to really SEE what is wrong and to understand what I need to do. It has been humiliating, painful and difficult to go through. I have had to humble myself before God, repent, beg for His mercy and grace, and ask for His strength as He conducts REAL CHANGE in my life. All I can say is that after reading today's passage, I am grateful that God has brought me to this place. It shows me that he hasn't given up on me, and I see how much I want real change in my life.

I know that this process will be life-long. That is humbling, but it gives me hope because it shows me that I am going in the right direction. I guess its like that bumper sticker: "Don't give up on me yet, God's not done with me!" Thank you God!

Butterfly Sightings

Today, before I sat down to do my Bible reading for today, I went outside to the garden. I saw this beautiful yellow butterfly. It is amazing to see something so delicate and graceful. It made me so happy to see it in MY garden! I thanked God for such a wonderful gift from Him. It was so thoughtful for God to think of me in this way. Maybe that sounds strange, but I really see it that way.

Other people might have just took it as a random moment in their day, where a butterfly came into their garden by sheer happenstance. But the butterfly doesn't know what sheer pleasure it gave me by being there. And what about the timing? If I had gone out to the garden earlier or later, I would have missed it. But I believe that God knew how that butterfly would catch my attention and that it would make me happy. God knew exactly what moment I would be out there to see that fantastic creature, and that is why I thanked Him for such a special delight.

Then, when I went in to read, I came across I Peter 5:6-7. Peter is talking about how we need to humble ourselves before God, and that He will exalt us in due time. In addition, Peter encourages us to cast ALL of our anxieties on God because God CARES for us.

The "Butterfly Sighting" just shows me how much this passage is true, and how God really does care. When I read the words, "because He cares for you", it really touched my heart. God actually thinks about me, my needs, and my hopes; and He considers them and finds them important. Wow! That's amazing to me because He is GOD, Creator of the Universe and He cares about me. Who or what am I when compared to Him? Nothing, and yet He CARES ABOUT ME!

And seeing the butterfly really drove home the other part of today's reading, that is, the part about being humble. If I was full of myself in that moment, I most likely would have missed that tender moment. If I counted myself more important than I am, I would have missed the beauty of that butterfly, because I could have only seen myself.

In recognizing my smallness in comparison to God and to the world in general, I was able to take my eyes off of myself and see the butterfly, the gift from God. When I am humble I seem to recognize and appreciate the simpler pleasures in life. Those simpler pleasures bring a kind of contentment I can't find anywhere else.

In Phillipians 4:6-7, Paul is talking about that very thing too. He encourages us to be anxious for nothing and to pray to God. That means humbling ourselves before our Creator, and giving Him control. Although that can be scary and difficult, the outcome of doing that is a peace that passes all comprehension, and our hearts and minds will be guarded in Christ. Wow. I have to admit, that I have a lot of fears and anxieties now in my life. But I also have to admit that in that moment with that butterfly, I did feel peace and contentment, which God knows I needed. Amazing, isn't it?

Strong Message

Today I was reading James, and the message I got from my readings was a strong one. When I first read James 3:14;16, my first thoughts were about others I know who are struggling with bitter jealousy and selfish ambitions. However, after reading it several times, I found that I had to apply those words to myself as well. I am angry and selfish at times. I have been jealous. To think that those feelings keep me from the truth, hence, keeps me from being with Christ, resulting having difficulty relating to God. It seems crazy because I never thought the consequences of those feelings were so dire. I guess I should, because, any sin can interfere with our relationship with God so as to not be at the level we could be at with Him.

To know that my bitter jealousy and self ambition makes me a liar against the truth is scary. That's heavy duty stuff! Then, as I read on, I find out that selfish ambition can be translated as strife. I think this means that whenever I try to vindicate myself to make myself feel better, I am lying against the truth.

Geez! How many times have I had thoughts (that I confess I delighted in) of showing up those who have hurt me? I have had thoughts about seeing those people sometime in the future and being wealthy, more successful, in better shape, and/or happier. But that's not enough! In my rich fantasy life, not only am I amazing, but I want to rub their noses in it! Sometimes the urge to "show them" is so strong, but really, what purpose does it serve? In the end, even if it really did happen, nothing would be accomplished. It's just a way to make ME feel better. I guess that is why it is called "selfish ambition".

And bitter jealousy?? Where do I start? I have been envious over what others have. I have been jealous of the attention others received, and frustrated that my life isn't more like someone elses. Anyone else ever feel that way? Guess what? That only leads back to selfish ambition! Ugh! What a vicious cycle!

And what are the consequences of lying against the truth? According to James 3:16, disorder and every evil thing. I hate disorder! I even organize my sock drawer! And every evil thing? Now that's just plain frightening. Then I researched this concept even further and found out that jealousy and self ambition also lead to degrading passions, a depraved mind, unrighteousness, greed, deceit, and untrustworthiness to name a few from Romans 1:26-32.

You see, you have to remember that Jesus Christ is the Truth (John 14:6). And if we are lying against Him, then we are misguided and can't hear His voice. In that state, is it any wonder why we are miserable?

However, if you have the truth in your heart, there is a HUGE attitude adjustment. In Psalm 15:2-3, it says that the person who speaks the truth in his heart, doesn't slander (or speak wrongfully against) his neighbor (i.e. others), does not do any evil to his neighbor, and he doesn't take up reproach (e.g start fights) with his friends (I am going to include family and spouses in this).

So, you can either be miserable in your bitter jealousy and selfish ambition, OR you can let it go and rely on the Truth and be free (John 8: 36;32). The idea of getting rid of the bitterness and strife that weighs my heart down sounds wonderful.

But how do I let go of all this turmoil inside? Just when I started to get despondent about that, I read John 8:31-32 again, where Jesus says that if we continue in His Word, then we are His disciples, and we will know the truth, and the truth will set us free. Bottom line: Believe, read your Bible, and pray a lot!

Tempting

Now you can read the verse or passage I am talking about in my blogs by clicking on the passage reference to the left of the blog entry!

I decided to start reading the book of James in the New Testament. Right off the bat, James goes right to the heart. In James 1:2-4, he writes considering it joy when you encounter various kinds of trials. Ugh! For me, that is a hard pill to swallow. As I read this passage, and the corresponding notes for this passage at the bottom of the page, it seems that the word trials is closely associated with the word temptations. Ugh! Ugh!! If I substitute temptations for trials, it is an even harder pill to swallow!

I HATE temptations! And there are so many to choose from in today's world! We are constantly bombarded by things that can spark temptation for us! And doesn't it seem that we are all preconditioned to have a certain brands of temptation? You know, that one or several thing(s) that we are tempted by and sometimes succumb to over and over and over? It's like the movie Ground Hog Day for temptations. It's just a repetitious battle! For me, if you knew me personally, apparently it is men, or specifically, the type of men I am attracted to. I seem to fall for the same type of guy. There are differences, but in the end, it just seems I pick men who either can't commit, are afraid to commit, or aren't ready to commit. That is my temptation among others, and it seems that I will struggle with it until I finally resolve whatever issue is driving that temptation. Again, I say ugh!

People have all sorts of temptations or trials. It could be an addiction, a habit, an attitude, a behavior, or just a general disposition that is the problem. We all have that one (or several)thing(s) that we seem to gravitate to that we know isn't in our best interest. On top of that, whenever we mess up and give in to a temptation, that little voice in our head ridicules us to no end! Worst of all, if asked, we usually can't even explain the how's and why's! We just have a pattern that we reenact throughout our lives until we resolve the issue.

I think that is what James means by endurance. That is, endurance is the resolution of the issue that drives us to be tempted in some way. Think about it, when we as human beings have a pattern, especially one we are trying to break, we can really get down on ourselves when we mess up. We beat ourselves up. We beg God to forgive us, and we vow that we aren't going to do it again, and then BAM! We hit the wall again Take someone who is trying to quit smoking. When he/she breaks down and lights up, you would think that they just committed a homicide he/she is so guilt ridden! (I know, I have been there.) It's not until we figure out what is going on with us regarding our patterns and the issues behind them that we are able to start resisting. That is where we finally find endurance to keep ourselves out of those trials.

In James 1:4, James talks about letting endurance have it's perfect result so you can be perfect and complete. Translation: once you figure out your issues are and you use those resolutions to help you overcome temptation, you will start to be closer to perfect and more complete. Now we know we can never be perfect and complete as long as we are here on God's Green Earth in our human state. That just means that this temptation dilemma and finding resolutions to our issues is a life long process. I know...ugh!

There is hope though, in James 1:5-6, James explains to us that we can seek God's wisdom to help us with this process. There's only one catch...you have to ask in faith. Meaning, you have to believe God will give you the wisdom you need so that you can find resolution, and then endure.

So, I confess that I have some areas in my life that I need to figure out. I have been going to God, asking for His grace, mercy and wisdom, and reading His Word. I know this is a life-long process, but the results are promising, because in James 1:4, as we move forward in enduring, becoming perfected and complete, we will also lack nothing.

Misery likes company

Lately, I have been a bit on the miserable side. There is a lot going on in my life that is weighing me down. Things like loneliness, my finances, health issues, concerns about my family, and my job. Then, I look at the state of affairs in the world and I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I just want to cry.

What's funny is that when I am down, I can only be alone for so long before I reach out to someone to talk to. Sometimes it's my parents or my siblings. Other times it's my friends. It's amazing how at some point, I turn to others to tell them how miserable I am!

I think we all do that, don't we? Go on, admit it, there are times when you seek others out to tell them your woes. We complain about our finances, our family members, and when all else fails, we talk about our physical complaints. Anyone talk to your friends or family about how much weight you have gained lately? You know who you are! It just seems to be a need for us to unload on others. It must be part of our nature or something.

Unfortunately and eventually, we have to be alone with our fears, concerns, and our hurts again. Sometimes that isolation can occur even if you are surrounded by others! In addition, we can't really continually unload on others because although misery likes company, company can only take our complaining for so long before they are ready to throttle you! Plus, we have to take into consideration that everyone has their own brand of misery, and so they can't carry all your burdens along with theirs for any amount of time.

Then, there are those of us that don't really have anyone to turn to because our social circle is ridiculously small, or because we know those who we would turn to are dealing with much worse. We don't want to stress them out anymore than they already are. Or, what happens when your misery is because of the very person you would normally unload on? Then what do you do?

Today, being in the miserable state that I am, God lead me to Psalm 25. In that Psalm, King David is pouring out his heart....to God. Hmmmmmm....we can tell our stuff to God? Huh?! There's a novel idea! In verses 4 and 5, David seems to be struggling with knowing what to do in his life. He talks about waiting on God to direct his paths, and how he will "wait all the day" for that direction. In verse 7 he asks God to forget the sins of his past, but to remember him. He does the same in verse 11. In verses 16-18, he asks God to be gracious to him because David is "lonely and afflicted" and "the troubles of my heart are enlarged." He begs God to "bring me out of my distresses, Look upon my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins." In verse 20, David asks God to "Guard my soul and deliver me."

As I am reading this passage, first, I am taken and moved to know that King David is writing this. It is comforting to know that I am not the only one to feel these ways. It's kind of like getting that company I am looking for to share in my miseries, you know? Secondly, David's words help me realize that I am not alone in my afflictions. God is always here and always cares. In this very same passage, where David is disclosing his pain, David reminds himself, us, and God about God's compassion and lovingkindness (vs. 6). In verses 9 and 10, David confirms that God does lead the humble "in His way" , and that all the paths of God are "lovingkindness and truth" . In verse 14, David acknowledges that the "secret of the LORD is for those who fear him, and He will make them know His covenant." And even though David is obviously struggling in this passage, he acknowledges that God will "pluck my feet out of the net" and rescue him.

Misery likes company, and even King David desired to reach out in his misery. What Psalm 25 revealed to me is that we are never really alone in our misery because God is here. Psalm 25 also helped me to see is that even in my misery, I should recognize the greatness and love of God and trust that He will deliver me at some point in some way.

So, if you are in a position where you are miserable for whatever reason, and you feel that you have exhausted all your friends and family with your woes, you may need to turn to God. He already knows what is on your heart, so why not tell Him? It doesn't mean that He is going to take it away necessarily. Look at Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. Paul asked God to take away his "thorn in the flesh" and God chose not to. Sometimes there are reasons for our situations that we can't see, however God is still with us.

One last thing I want to say before I go. Please know that I am not saying you shouldn't talk to others about your fears, pains, and worries. And, don't use this as an excuse not to talk to others if you are one who is prone to keeping things to yourself! I do believe that many times God uses others to help us through our miseries. In 2 Corinthians 7:6, Paul talks about being comforted by God through the visit by Titus. I just also happen to know that there are times when we feel alone with our miseries, and that we should go to God with our sufferings just like David.

Answered Prayer

Right now, I find myself in Florida, spending time with my aunt and cousins. It has been a very nice visit, and yet, despite that, I have been dealing with thoughts of sadness and restlessness. It's not the company, mind you, it's just me, over thinking things, as usual.

Today, as I laid down to take a nap, I begged God to comfort my soul. Over and over again, I asked for Him to wrap His arms around me and lift me up. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt a little better, but I found myself still wrestling with my thoughts. I keep thinking about my recent break-up with my boyfriend. I find myself worrying about my aunts and my dad. I am fretting over the new school year, and what that is going to entail regarding my job. I am not looking forward to it because of the changes that have been made regarding my position.

Tonight, while watching television with my mom and aunt, I looked down on the coffee table, and found this little booklet called "Life's Wonders". Curious, I opened it up and thumbed through the pages. I turned to a page with the title, "Forever Near", and felt compelled to read it. It is a poem written by someone named Minnie Boyd Popish. It is like a little prayer talking about how God is there throughout life's troubles, and that He will be there forever. After reading the poem, I felt my spirits lift, as I realized that this is God's way of telling me that He is here with me now, and that He is taking care of me, and will forever. When reading the poem, I felt such comfort, and such love. It dissolved away my fears and worries, and I am just so thankful that He reached out to me in this way.

It seems that God likes to do this kind of thing a lot. He answers prayers in little ways, and let's us connect the dots. That way, we know it is Him, and we recognize that we need Him. So, when we pray, we need to keep a watch out, because He will answer; He just doesn't always answer immediately, or in the way we think we should be answered.

So, I will pass this poem on to you, for maybe you need it as much as I do right now.

There are days, dear Lord,
I trouble over what to do.
Such days I know I must
Place my hope and trust in You.

I must trust and pray,
Knowing life - like stormy skies
That soon are blue again -
Goes on, and dry my weeping eyes.

My every need You know
And tell me to recall
Promises of love forever near
In words You spoke for all.

Thus I can face each day
With lifted heart, steadied hand,
Knowing that Your love is there
And every trial You understand.

With my answered prayer, I know
A gift has come for me to share
With others who need know
You're forever near, You'll forever care!

-Minnie Boyd Popish

Dealing with Depression

I kind of feel odd writing about this topic today. Like many, I have struggled with depression on and off in my life. Some times it has been because of circumstances in my life, and then there are the times I just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for no reason that I can identify. I am familiar with those feelings of loneliness, despair, and the lack of motivation to do anything. I have been so down, I felt as though I couldn't even move. Maybe you know how that feels. Maybe you are feeling that way right now.

In 2 Corinthians 1:8-9a, Paul's expressions lead me to believe that he and his companions were experiencing depression of some kind. I don't know what the circumstances were, but they seemed to be struggling nonetheless. He used phrases like, "we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life" and "we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves". When I read those words, I can only imagine how heavy his heart must have been to write those things.

However, if you read on, in verses 9b and 10, he talks about his belief that God was delivering them and how he looked forward to continued deliverance from their "peril". Then, in verse 11, Paul reveals what I think was/is another key component in their deliverance, and that is, the PRAYERS that were lifted up on their behalf from OTHERS.

So, I came to the conclusion, that when battling depression, we have to do two things to help ourselves. First, we have to BELIEVE that God will deliver us. We have to acknowledge that God can do anything, and that He loves us. Because of that, God will see our belief and answer our prayers and petitions for relief. This is hard for us. I get that. When we are so low that we can barely move or think, it takes all our effort to do anything. In those moments, I encourage you to read your Bible, and hear the words of God. Psalms is usually the place I start when I am like that.

Secondly, we need OTHERS to PRAY for us. This step is also hard for the depressed for several reasons. 1) Depression tends to make us isolate ourselves. We may just not want to put out the effort, or we are embarrassed we are depressed in the first place. Many times, we don't think others will understand. 2) Our pride tends to keep from telling others we are depressed. We don't want others to see our weakness, or we feel we should be able to handle this on our own. 3) Many of us dislike asking others for help. We feel weak, and that just intensifies our depressed state. And 4) Sometimes we either don't have anyone to reach out to or at least it sure seems that way.

So, I appeal to you, that if you are dealing with depression, first, DO BUSINESS with God. You have to come to a place where you BELIEVE He cares about you and wants to lift you up. Read your Bible and pray even when it is hard.

Secondly, REACH OUT TO OTHERS. ASK them to pray for you for healing and freedom from your depression. Don't assume they know that you need their prayers. Let them know what is really going on in your life so they know what to pray for. Ask them to pray WITH you, even if it over the phone. Sometimes the act of praying with someone is so edifying and uplifting. It is hard to do this, maybe because we feel so vulnerable, but as Paul attests, the prayers offered for him brought "favor" from God.

Now, some of you may really feel you have no one to turn to in your life. Maybe you are so isolated, you wouldn't even know where to start. So, for you, I encourage you to go to church. Yes, this will require effort on your part, but if you have already done business with God and are praying, you can ask for the strength to do this as well. Ask the pastor to pray for you. Go up to the alter call when they ask people to come forward to be prayed for. People don't need to know you well to pray for you.

Likewise, you can appeal to God's Holy Spirit. It says in Romans 8:26 that the Spirit will help us in our weakness when we don't know how to pray as we should. I find that very comforting, because many times, I am so down, I don't even know what to pray for anymore.

For the record, I know that depression is brutal. I am by no means trying to minimize the devastating effects of it. Sometimes we may find that we also need help from other resources that God has blessed this earth with like medicines and counselors. If that is where you find yourself at this time, then that is a good thing. I encourage you to continue to seek that help. But just remember, that a HUGE part of crawling out of that pit of despair should include God, others, and prayer.

When bad things happen

Why do bad things happen? You may have heard this question before, or you yourself may have asked it. There are a lot of reasons bad things happen. Today, I am only going to focus on one reason that I gleaned from 2 Corinthians.

The passage I read today got me thinking about what I have suffered either randomly or by my own hand. Many times, I caused my own sufferings, but surely, God could have stopped the train wreck long before it happened. After all, He is God. But, He didn't. And sometimes, as I went through the pain, I would get angry at Him, even though I had no right. And what about those things that weren't at my own hand?

Several years back, I started getting sick. For 8 months, I went without a diagnosis. Then, finally, I found out I had Lupus. Initially, I was relieved to find out I was not loosing my mind, but then, I started to get angry. I was angry that I had this condition. I was angry that I had tried to do every thing in my life in a way that was "right", and I still got sick. I was angry that I couldn't go to work and couldn't pay my bills. I was angry I had to go through treatments and that the treatments made me sick. However, God allowed it to happen all the same.

In 2 Corinthians 1:3-6, Paul is talking about sufferings AND comfort. The verse that really caught my attention says, "who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." This passage talks about how when we go through afflictions, we can be comforted by God. In addition to that, the passage indicates that we can use that comfort to then comfort others. So, I have to think that sometimes we go through the tough stuff so that God can show us his grace in comforting us. Then, in that comfort, He uses those things to help us reach out to others.

If I take a hard look at what transpired after being diagnosed and all that occurred afterwards, I have to confess that this is true. After being sick, I have had so many opportunities to reach out to others that have yet to be diagnosed, the sick, and those going through heavy duty treatments. They don't even have to have the same diagnosis I have. I just know how it feels to go through that process. I know what feelings are associated with being sick and having to fight for one's life. I can empathize with them because of what I have been through. I believe that is because God took care of me through my ordeal that I now have the ability to comfort others, although its not always easy.

Believe it or not, the same is true of those things I essentially did to myself that caused me pain. An example of that would be some of the relationships I have been in. I chose those relationships, even when sometimes, I saw the red flags. In the end, when things went south, I got hurt. Sometimes badly. God could have spared me, but again, He didn't because I can use that pain, and God's comfort to help and identify with others who may be going through similar situations.

Now, I am not so foolish to say that every time you go through something hard or painful that you should be overjoyed. There were many times when I was sick that I was miserable. And, like I noted before, I spent a lot of time being angry. I admit that if we aren't careful, it is easy to let those bad things cause bitterness in our lives. It is easy to focus on the negative. That is why we have to focus on God and ask for His comfort during those hard times. It's when we take our eyes off of Him and focus on the problem or the pain, that we end up bitter, resentful, and vindictive.

Right now, I am again going through some hard times. People in my life are sick, a relationship I wanted has ended, others in my life need support that I don't feel strong enough to give. There are many times where I feel overwhelmed and fearful, and yes, sometimes, even angry. I could become bitter. I could just give up. It is hard to focus on God when pain and suffering enter in. Yet God comforts me. Sometimes, I don't even have to ask for His help. He just comes in and holds me in my brokenness. What I find interesting is that sometimes, EVEN as I go through some of these trials, the comfort God gives to me I can already extend to others AS I am going through my own pain. I find that I don't necessarily need to get through something before I can be there for others.

The verse that I often quote to myself when I am having a rough time of it is in Romans 8:28. It says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." So, no matter how bad things get, even if they are at my own hand, I know that God will use it for my good and hopefully for the good of others if need be.

What is love?

Today I came across that famous passage about love in the Bible from I Corinthians 13:4-8a. I questioned whether I was really feeling lead to write about it. I only say that because it has been talked and written about so many times over the years. What could I possibly have to write about it that hasn't already been thought of? Yet, I feel that is what I am to focus on, and so I will do that.

In reading I Corinthians 13:4-8a, I read it as I have so many times, thinking how it is impossible to ever experience or give that kind of love. Patient? Kind? Not jealous? Not arrogant? That's just the attributes highlighted in verse 4! So far, I haven't met anyone who can do that, and, sadly, I am just as guilty.

I read and re-read that passage several times, and I finally knew what I wanted to say about it. Let me start by correcting myself, and say that I have and do experience the I Corinthians brand of love. Let me explain.

In I John 4:16, it says, "We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love, abides in God, and God abides in him." So if God is love, then He has all the attributes of love as cited in I Corinthians 13:4-8a. And better yet, if we BELIEVE in the love God has for us, we can live in Him, or in other words, that kind of love.

Maybe you have heard this before, but you can substitute the word "love" with the name of God in I Corinthians 13:4-8a. When we do that, we see what God is like to those who believe AND we realize that we experience that love every day. And thankfully so!

So, I Corinthians 13:4-8a could read: "God is patient, God is kind, and He is not jealous; God does not brag and He is not arrogant, He does not act unbecomingly; He does not seek His own, He is not provoked, He does not account wrong suffered, He does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; He bears all things; believes all things; endures all things. God never fails;"

Now, I could go through each of those attributes and explain further, but then this blog would never end. I will only make one comparison to make my point. If you think about God being patient, you have to admit this is true. How many times has humankind let Him down?? Too many times to count.

As an individual, I can attest to the patience of God as well. He has waited for me to submit to Him and His will so many times in so many areas of my life. He probably is still waiting for me to give over other aspects of my life. I just have not gotten there yet. Regardless, God could easily throw up His hands and declare me as hopeless. If I was Him, I probably would. However, He doesn't, and He waits patiently, like only He can. And when finally, that light bulb goes on for me, He welcomes me into that light and is there with me. To me, that is amazing.

What else is wonderful if you take I Corinthians 13:4-8a in conjunction with I John 4:16 is that we can give this kind of Love to others. If God abides in us and God is love, with all its attributes, then we have this love inside of us.

Yes, yes, I know...how am I supposed to be patient and loving to the woman in the check out line who is digging through her purse for over 10 minutes searching for EXACT CHANGE!? Unfortunately those are the times when we have to fight our human, selfish nature. If you refer to the previous blog entry, "Am I insane?", you can see how we fight within ourselves to do what we know is right, like loving others.

But don't be discouraged if you are having trouble loving others. Remember, just as God and love have all those same attributes, the last one mentioned in I Corinthians is the most powerful of all, "Love never fails;" And THAT, is what we have going for us.

To be or not to be married

Today's writing is of particular difficulty for me because it focuses on an issue that I grapple with often. Although I am single, I have the desire to be in a relationship, and possibly one day to be married. I have argued with God over this desire for my life, and I often wonder why I continue to be single. Sometimes I get scared that God just wants me to be single, which seems to be in direct conflict with what I want. I am not sure why the Spirit has lead me to write about this today, but there must be some purpose for it. I asked for another passage to write about, but I got nothing, so here it goes.

The passage I read today can be found in I Corinthian 7. It is Paul's instruction to married people and to single individuals. It is not an easy passage for me to read as a potentially life long single.

There reason this was/is hard for me to read is because Paul encourages those who are single to remain so if they can (vs.8&9). This is such a struggle for me, because I don't really want to be single. In addition, I wonder if I am strong enough to be single. I confess that I am afraid of the future if I remain single. What happens after my parents are gone? They have been such a support and comfort to me. Will I have anyone in my life? My siblings all have their own families. Who will I turn to for help? Who will I talk to about anything and everything? Where will I find intimacy?

So, every time I come to these crossroads, the place where I know I need to freely give this desire to God, and put it in his hands, I feel great anxiety. I am afraid that if I give Him this desire, then He may choose singleness for me. Now, I know, there is just as much of a chance that he will bless me with a wonderful relationship. However it is the fear of the unknown that causes me to hold onto this desire with both hands. Although, I have to admit that whenever I have tried to fulfill this desire, I haven't done a great job of it, rendering me STILL SINGLE anyway!

And what is there to gain should I give this desire to God? A lot actually. In I Corinthians 7:32, Paul explains that in singleness we are free to focus on God and receive all the blessings that go along with drawing near to Him.

I have seen this in my life actually. When I haven't been in a relationship, I tend to read my Bible and pray more. Consequently, I feel more at peace and quite content in my life. I remember distinctly, one time when I was in a relationship, I told my friend, Judi, that I felt that I was being pulled in two different directions. On one hand, I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend and focus on all things him, but on the other hand, I knew I needed to read my Bible and spend time with God. The more time I spent with my boyfriend (which I really enjoyed doing), the less time I focused on my faith. I just felt so off balance.

So, in many respects, being single isn't so bad. I do feel more at peace as I spend more time with God. I do feel balanced. I look forward to growing spiritually and drawing closer to the Creator of Everything. Things are a lot less complicated. I see my married friends trying to manage their hectic lives, and I wonder when do they have time to sit down and relax let alone spend time with God?

Despite that, I confess that there are still many times I am envious of them. I still WANT that complication! It has to be worth it! Too many people are willing to take on married life for it not to have SOME benefits, right? Fortunately, Paul states that marriage is fine, but that the married person will be divided (vs.34). I believe he means that a married person has to juggle meeting the needs of his/her spouse, while at the same time serving and drawing close to God. How does a husband or wife decide who comes first? From what I gather, this is no small or easy task.

What that tells me is how important it is to be with someone who believes like you do. Balancing faith and home is hard enough, but to be with someone who doesn't share your faith has to be even harder. If they don't understand what and why you believe what you do, are they really going to encourage you in your faith? Is he/she going to give you the time you need to grow in your faith? I am thinking not. At least if you are with someone who shares your faith, both of you can encourage one another to grow and mature spiritually. Maybe you can even spend time doing that together! Bonus!

My heart goes out to those who are married or who are with someone who doesn't believe the way they do. It has to be hard to continue cultivating a relationship with God when there is no or little support at home or in a relationship to do that. I can only imagine how frustrating it is to try to resolve conflicts and deal with situations if both people in the relationship don't have the same values. I can understand how sometimes, the believer gives up on his or her faith because they just can't sustain it when there are so many roadblocks to spending time doing the things that strengthen faith. I just pray that they continue on in their faith despite the hurdles, knowing God will bless their persistence.

With all that said and done, I still don't know what plans God has for me, especially in regards to my marital status. Every day, sometimes even several times a day, I have to hand that desire over to God. I know He will take care of me no matter which path He has me take.

Psalm 3:3, "But You, O LORD are a shield about me, My glory and the One who lifts my head." With words from God like that, why AM I so concerned about the future?

Loneliness

I confess that I am struggling with loneliness. Some moments are harder than others. I don't know how to combat that wave of despondency that broadsides me from time to time. However, it is no longer a constant state of being like it was a couple of weeks ago, and that encourages me.

What is interesting is that its not really a need for a person as much as it is a desire to have someone to share things and activities with in my life. It's not being able to do a lot of things that typically are done "together" with someone else. Its so awkward doing things alone. Like, going to a movie or out to dinner. Those things just seem to demand someone else being along in order to enjoy them. Maybe that is why the bar scene is so appealing to singles today. You can go by yourself if you must, and not really be alone, because everyone is just there for something to do to pass the time and to get away from the loneliness. Maybe that is why so many people stay in bad relationships, because they are so scared about being lonely.

Now, I don't believe you absolutely HAVE to have someone else in order to go to a movie or out to dinner. I have gone out to eat by myself to have a glass of wine and read a book. The problem is how others respond to it. The last time I went out to eat by myself, I could see the pity in the waitress' eyes as she said to me, "I wish I could be strong enough to go out to eat, have a glass a wine and read a book by myself! It looks so relaxing!"

I would like to believe that she meant that as a compliment. I would like to think she really meant what she said. However, her remark drove home about how going out by oneself is considered strange.

Now, I know this is MY issue. Perhaps there are plenty of people out there that don't have a problem going out by themselves to a movie or to dinner. So, I guess I am talking to the ones who share my feelings, you know who you are.

What I have been pondering lately is, is loneliness a state of mind or a state of being? I am starting to think it is truly a state of mind. Today, I read in I Corinthians 2:10, "For to us God revealed them, through the Spirit, for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God." Now, theologians will most likely say that I am taking this verse out of context. So be it. But when I read this verse, it gave me great comfort regarding loneliness. The reason being is because the Spirit searches all things, including us. What that means to me is that for the Spirit, this is constant, not just once and done. So, if that is true, and the Spirit is searching us, then he is always with us. And, if he is always with us, then we are not alone. Thus, loneliness is a state of mind, not the reality.

The beautiful thing about the Spirit searching us is that he also searches the depths of God. This is amazing to me because it means that we are connected to God in such an intimate way. When I think about how the Spirit knows us and Him through His searching, revealing, and interceding, I realize I can't be alone even if I want to be.

So let me tell you, since I have been contemplating these things, I realize that God knows when I am lonely. And recently, God has been giving me random people and opportunities so that I won't be. He introduced me to Rose, an 87 year old neighbor, who really needs a friend. He also recently introduced me to John and Nancy who live down the street. After talking with John about photography, he has invited me to try out some of the equipment he shares at a studio that he co-owns with another guy. Now that's some fantastic stuff!

I guess what Psalm 34:9 says is true. "O fear the LORD, you His saints; For to those who fear him, there is no want."

Am I insane?

Sometimes I wonder if I am insane. I wonder how I can do the things I have done. There have been some choices I have made, knowing that they are wrong. If I know it is bad, and very much has the potential to hurt me, why do I do those things?

There have been some days where I have beaten myself up quite severely because of my foolishness and selfishness. When I look back at the choices I have made, I shake my head and question who I really am. I believe I am a Christian. I want to do what is right. I know the difference between right and wrong. And yet, there have been times I have been at those proverbial crossroads, and have chose the wrong thing. Maybe some how I justify it in my mind, or my emotions fool me into thinking that it is right, but in the end, I still know it is wrong. This becomes especially obvious to me in hindsight.

Imagine my relief when I read Romans 7:14-25. Why? Because Paul talks about this very dilemma! I can't imagine Paul grappling with these issues, especially after his conversion, but there it is, right there in the Bible.

In verse 19 he sums it up very nicely, "For the good I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." I know exactly how that feels! Fortunately, Paul explains why that happens.

He talks about how there are two natures fighting within us, and that is why we struggle. There is our human nature and our spiritual nature. Our human nature is self-serving and just plain no good. Our spiritual nature, when we are believers in Christ, is at war with our human nature. We have to have our human natures because we have been born into this world. It just comes with the territory. But, when we have been adopted into God's family, then our spiritual nature pulls us in a new God-serving direction and then we find ourselves engaged in a war within. The two natures are just not compatible because of the focus each nature represents.

So how do we fight for the good and resist the bad? Only through believing in Jesus and what He did for us. We have to focus on that, and let His Spirit guide our spirit. As Jesus increases in our lives, our spirit clings to His, and then we are able to serve God through our choices and ultimately, our lives. Just remember, it is a constant fight, for now.

I recently read a book titled, The Noticer by Andy Andrews. It is a great book and an easy read. I strongly recommend it. The reason I bring it up is because of one line in it that caught my attention.

"Whatever you focus on increases."

How true and applicable!! Focus on your human nature and it's desires and evil wins, but focus on Christ and you win!

Little Things

Romans 8 and 9 is so full of wisdom and encouragement! Paul's writings about doing what he doesn't want to do and not doing what he wants to because of the war between his sinful nature and his spiritual nature always enourages me. It just helps me to see that being a Christian isn't easy because we are still flesh and blood. If you are struggling with living righteously, then I strongly suggest reading these passages.

However, with all that I read today, what I want to write about is how God takes care of the little things. You see, I spend my quiet time in my sunroom with my two cats, Chuck and Jennie. They don't actively participate, mind you, but they quietly support me by sleeping by my side or watching me while I read and write every day. As I read my Bible, I often highlight verses or passages that speak to me with a highlighter specifically made for Bibles. Two days ago, I accidentally left the highlighter out in the open.

The reason that became a problem is because of my mischevious little cat, Jennie. Jennie has this penchant for playing with all types of writing instruments, and then, when she is done with them; she hides them. So, yesterday, when I sat down to spend some time reading, I realized that my Bible highlighter was no where to be found. I looked over at my sleeping Jennie, knowing that she was the culprit, and that she wasn't about to tell me where she put it. And, believe it or not, it ended up being quite the distraction that affected me throughout my quiet time. The reason being, I couldn't highlight anything in my Bible! And of course, I was touched by all these wonderful verses, which I could not highlight. The only way I could highlight something is if I wanted to use an ordinary pen, which I did not. I know something like that shouldn't mess up my time with God, but my mind just kept gravitating to thoughts about where that darn highlighter was.

So then, last night, looking into those adorable cat eyes, I asked Jennie to please bring my highlighter back. She blinked at me in that coy cat way, and all I could surmise she was saying to herself was, "Not a chance." Needless to say, I didn't think I was ever going to see that highlighter again.

Now this morning, I went through my regular routine, making coffee, feeding the cats, and so forth. I was resigned to the idea that I would not have a highlighter again today, and that I would have to go to the store to buy another one. Low and behold, as I walked into the sunroom to spend some quiet time with God, I looked down, and there, right in the middle of the floor was that darned highlighter!!! It was quite a reunion, with me giggling, as I made sure to put it on a shelf so that Jennie couldn't get it again. Then I looked at Jennie, who was impatiently blinking at me as only a cat can do, and I swore I heard her thinking, "Fine, there's your stupid highlighter, I didn't want it anyway!"

As I sat down to pray and prepare my heart to read my Bible, I became overwhelmed with thankfulness, because I truly believe that it was God who convinced Jennie to give me back my highlighter. As foolish as that may sound, firstly, you don't know Jennie and how stubborn she is, and secondly, it touched my heart to know that God didn't want me to be distracted during my time with Him today. So he made sure I wasn't distracted, even by something as minute as a Bible highlighter.

"Ashamed Things"

Today I initially wasn't really inspired to write today. The only verse that caught my attention was Romans 6:21 where Paul asked what benefit was I receiving from the things that I am now ashamed? That's a scary question to answer for me. When I think about my past actions, especially the ones for which I am ashamed, I get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Unfortunately, there are many things that I am ashamed of when I look back on my life. To name of few, there are relationships I was involved in, life styles I embraced, behaviors I have engaged in, and people I hurt because of my selfishness.

So, what WERE the benefits? In the end, really? NOTHING. Zero, zip, nada...However, there have been many negative consequences. Broken hearts, depression, lack of contentment, fear, anger, frustration, emptiness, and isolation among others. I have hurt myself, but more significantly, others, when I have pursued those things that I am ashamed of. And how many times have I gone right back there to those "Ashamed Things" thinking that things would work out differently or better? Way too many times, and the benefits have always been the same...NOTHING.

What I didn't mention initially when I referenced Romans 6:21 is the second half of that verse. That part of the verse talks about the outcome of those things for which I am ashamed - DEATH. So, not only did I not receive any benefits, but those very same things can result in the death of my soul. "Ashamed things" are definitely NOT looking all that exciting, adventurous, flashy or promising anymore.

Fortunately in Romans it also talks about being freed from the bonds of sin or those "Ashamed Things". And, in being freed from those sins, there is eternal life in Christ Jesus. What strikes me is that there are no benefits to sin, but accepting the FREE gift of God through Jesus results in immortality and a relationship with the Creator of the Universe! (Romans 6:23, Genesis 1)

Now is that a TRADE UP or what? Sure seems like it to me, and well worth getting rid of those "Ashamed Things".

Doing what is right vs. what is wrong.

Today I started reading Romans. I am overwhelmed with all the wisdom in that book. If you haven't read it, you should, but pray for God to open your eyes first.

With all that wisdom, what touched my heart today was Romans 2: 9 & 10. Those verses say, "There will be tribulation and distress for every soul of man who does evil, of the Jew first, and also of the Greek, but glory and honor and peace to everyone who does good, to the Jew first, and also to the Greek."

Let me start by saying, In the beginning of Romans, Paul is really focusing on how we are bound to the Law of God, but that none of us can perfectly keep the Law. The only way we can ultimately obtain favor from God is through faith in Jesus Christ, who He sacrificed for us to cleanse us of our failings and sins.

However, we all know the Law of God because it is written on our hearts and we know the difference between good and evil (Romans 1:9). There is just that little voice or feeling that tells us when we are doing something wrong. The problem is when we choose to ignore it. The more we ignore it, the harder it is to hear that voice and discern between right and wrong, and that is when we get into serious trouble, isn't it?

Which leads me back to the verses I quoted in the first place. How true those words are!!! How many of us have lived those very words? Every time I have done something that I know I shouldn't have, I have been distraught, miserable, stressed, and depressed. Maybe not right away, but it always seems to come back to haunt me.

Now when I am talking evil, I am not necessarily talking about "BIG" sins like murder or adultery (although I am sure they cause tremendous tribulation!), but even the little evils like lying and procrastination. (Although in the eyes of God, there are no big vs. little sins!)

Case in point, in a recent relationship I had, my boyfriend had asked me if I had been in contact with on of my exes. I told him "no" several times before I admitted that I had e-mailed my ex. I had e-mailed him to let my ex know that I was in a new relationship and that we should both move on starting with not being in contact anymore. Even after explaining this to my boyfriend, he was hurt and angry because I had lied straight to his face. I felt awful and apologized numerous ties, but it wasn't enough. Every day for several months we fought about "The Lie". Anything I said was questioned because of "The Lie". He just couldn't trust me after that, and every day I was depressed, miserable, and had no peace because I couldn't undo it, and my boyfriend let me know that constantly. Consequently, we broke up.

Now maybe in your mind that is extreme. Maybe it is, but my point is, I did evil and the result was a ton of distress in my life. If I had been honest, things might have been different, and at the very least, I would have had peace of mind knowing I did not lie.

I look back on my life and I see that almost every time my life was a wreck it was because I chose to do something outside of the will of God. And the result? Depression, isolation, anger, stress, etc....you should get the idea. When I have chosen to do the right thing? Peace, joy, companionship, help, etc....

Now don't get fixated on being perfect, because you can't. And sometimes, the sins that are burdening us we aren't even aware of....yet. But there is hope. In Romans 2:4, Paul talks about God's kindness, tolerance, and patience with us. Thank God! Why is He like that? Not so we can continue to be evil, and not to take the distress that comes when we have done something wrong, but to bring us to a place of repentance when we see how much He loves us! Wow!

Can you hear, see, and feel?

Today, I was finishing up Acts. The verses that caught my attention today can be found in Acts 28: 26 & 27. In this passage, Paul is quoting the prophet Isaiah. It talks about people who hear, but do not understand, see, but do not perceive, and whose hearts are hardened. Because of this, the people don't get it, and therefore, they cannot be healed by God. To think that people can hear, see, and feel the Truth of God, of Jesus, but not really get it is sad and scary. That sounds so much like the world today. No one really gets it anymore. They have turned their backs on all things right, true and moral. It's easy for even Christians to loose their way when we are bombarded by all these humanistic beliefs and values. It becomes so easy to justify our sins in today's world. And it seems the more we justify our sins, the more deaf and blind we become, the harder our hearts become. That just leaves us open to all sorts of peril and hurt. Then we scratch our heads wondering what went wrong.

I hope and desperately pray that I will always hear and see the Truth, and that my heart will not become impenetrable to the Word of God and the wisdom and blessings of Truth that it holds. Frankly, that would be Hell on Earth, that is, being separated from the love of God.

Maybe it is only in our brokenness we can come to Him and see and hear, and finally believe. Maybe that is what Matthew 5 is really all about. Coming to the end of ourselves is the only way we can have a beginning with God. It seems we have to be stripped down and exposed so that we finally stop getting distracted by everything. Then we can finally see and hear, and because our hearts are beaten to a bloody pulp, the Truth of Jesus Christ can finally get through those wounds. That is when we find healing.

Letting go of our "gods"

Today is the first day I am doing this, so forgive me if it is a little scattered. If you are familiar with the story of the Prodigal Son from the Bible, and feel that you have lived it, then you know where I am coming from. Unfortunately, I have given that story as many, if not more sequels than the Friday the Thirteenth movies.

Today I was struck by a passage in Acts. Specifically, Acts 19: 24-27. It reads, "For a man named Demetrius, a silversmith, who made silver shrines of Artemis, was bring no little business to the craftsman; these he gathered together with the workmen of similar trades, and said, "Men, you know that our prosperity depends on this business. You see and hear that not only in Ephesus, but in almost of Asia, this Paul has persuaded and turned away a considerable number of people, saying that gods made with hands are not gods at all. Not only is there danger that this trade of ours fall into disrepute, but also that the temple of the great goddess Artemis be regarded as worthless and that she whom all of Asia and the world worship will even be dethroned from her magnificence."

What I think is interesting about this is that Demetrius gets all the other silversmiths and tradesmen all fired up, but his priorities for presenting this concern seem off. He tells them first of all that what is happening is going to cut into their profits, secondly, he's worried about their reputation, and THEN, lastly, he talks about how it dishonors Artemis.

If you notice, the first two concerns he presents are about how they are being affected. Almost as an afterthought, he mentions how it disrespects their god. If they were really faithful to their god, shouldn't they think about her dishonor first? No, because gods are nothing more than a self-serving extension of the self. So, when OUR gods are attacked, we see our desires being attacked and we get defensive. Why? Because our gods aren't real, they have no power, and they do nothing for us other than give us a venue for serving ourselves.

The gods we create are what we desire or what we think we desire. Most of the time they fail us because they can't last. I think about the gods I have had and the ones I still cling to. For me, my gods are men, sex, and stuff. All of them make me feel better for a while, just like the silversmiths and tradesmen with Artemis. They profited from making shrines and idols, but after a time, it all dried up. Notice, no one is still making silver Artemis idols or shrines, so apparently that business is dead.

Let me spell it out in modern terms. The men I have idolized, the false intimacy I tried to get through sex, and the things I own only work for a little while. In many cases, they have actually ended up hurting me. I have allowed men to use me, leaving me empty, bitter, and distrustful. Sex has left me more lonely than if I hadn't had it at all. The things I own get old, and I find myself in debt. All these gods have failed me.

So right now, I am broken, alone, empty, and in debt. In this present state I find myself, I am looking to the one true, real GOD. The amazing thing is that despite how ugly and dirty I have become, He is here and willing to take care of me and my wounds. He wants to clean me up. what He offers is something no other god can, an honest and real relationship. He already knows all about me, and I don't need to hide myself or my sins from Him. Just as He is real, I can be real with Him. No pretending needed. On top of that, I am learning that He really does love me. He really wants me. Finally someone who really loves and cares about me, and truly believe that he won't fail me, like all those other things have over and over again.

Earlier in the Book of Acts, Acts 17:27&28a says, "that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find him; though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist." This was said to the Athenians, who served many gods. But God still wanted them to come to Him, have a relationship with Him, and turn away from their sins, the very things that were hurting them. He wanted them to be children of God.

He wants us to come to Him to and to finally let go of those gods that can't help us.